I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
is wine microwaveable?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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