So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
