I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
