Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
