so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
