Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
