Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
