Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
