why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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