no, he came in my armpit
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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