Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
