I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
