i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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