I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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