I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
