i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
