That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
