dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
