Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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