Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Is it because I queefed?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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