Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
