Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
