Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
