I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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