I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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