i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
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Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.