True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard