I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
