I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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