if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
