My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
