Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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