he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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