My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
