That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
