I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
