You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
