Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
