Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
