i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
