based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
