just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
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I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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