but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize