I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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