I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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