dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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