I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my shit smells like andre
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
