i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
