Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
