lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
