I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I looked at my own cervix.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
