I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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