things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
