you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.