your thong is hanging out like whoa
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.