I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
