Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
