did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i think my mom watched the whole time
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
