an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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