how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
