Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
