my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
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I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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