theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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